A Performance of Handel’s Messiah

Many years ago a performance of The Messiah by Handel was being given in the Cleckheaton Town Hall and old Cuthbert Briggs from Liversedge thought he might like to go. He tried to persuade his wife, Hilda, to go with him but she wasn’t too keen.“Nay, Cuthbert lad, thee knows it’s nowt in my line. Give me a bit of comedy or a singalong on the end of Blackpool pier any day. No, thee go by thee self and tell me all about it when thou comes home.”

So Cuthbert went on his own. He’d no idea what to expect. In fact, he’d never heard of The Messiah. It was just that he fancied doing something a bit different to his usual Saturday night visit to the Bull & Bear Pub.

When he got back home, Cuthbert’s wife was all ears. “Come on then, tell mi all abaht it.”

“Ee well,” said Cuthbert, “It were all reyt, but not quite what ah were expectin’. There weren’t a lot o’ movement on the stage. In fact, there weren’t a lot o’ room on the stage. It were full o’ singers. Ah’d been sat there a bit when in comes a load o’ fellas carryin’ fiddles. Then, they brought in the biggest fiddle ah’ve ever seen, an’ it were that big, they ’ad to wheel it in on castors. An’ then a little chap rubbed its belly wi’ a stick and you should ’ave ’hear it groan. It sounded just like a cow with the croup. Well, all the fiddles they joined in an’ made such a racket, an’ then they settled dahn an’ it all went quiet.”

“After ’bout a minute in comes the Messiah. Least, ah think it were ’im cuz everybody clapped and all them fiddles they stood up to welcome ’im. He were a dapper of a bloke, all dolled up in a wais’kit, with a red carnation in ’is button’ole. Aye, I’m sure he must ’a been the Messiah. Then ’e picked up a little white stick an’ started wavin’ it about at everybody on the stage. They were all staring at ’im, wondering what were up. Then they started to sing.”

“Thee’d not been goin’ long afore they were fratchin’ like cats. They wanted to know who the King of Glory was. First one side said He is the King of Glory, then the other side said He is the King of Glory. An’ then they went at it ’ammer an’ tongs but it fizzled out in t’end. Then there was a right to-do about some sheep ’at ’ad gone astray. Some of the singers must a’ been partial to a bit o’ mutton, cuz they kept on singing ‘O we like sheep.’ Meself, I like a bit o’ well done steak, but anyway . . .”

“Well, ah think them lost sheep must a’ belonged t’ one of them singers cuz ’e stood up an’ said every mountain and hill should be laid low. Good, I thought to meself. If they flatten all t’ mountains, they’ll be sure ter find the sheep ’at’s gone astray. Then the organist started up an’ the band joined in and by gum, they seemed to be getting mad over summat. The way they were sawing at them fiddles, al were expectin’ ’em to fall apart.”

“Then, after that, all the women stood up to sing. Believe me, some of ’em were a bit past it by the look of them. They must a been 70 if they were a day, but they sang ‘Unto us a child is born,’ and all the fellas shouted ‘Wonderful.’ Well ah thought to meself, it’s a bloomin’ miracle. Then they composed their selfs a bit an’ sang about a woman called Joyce Greatly. Ah’d never ’eard o’ her but apparently she’s the daughter of Zion, whoever ’e is.”

“Ah were gettin’ a bit fed up by nah. Ah’d been sat for nearly two hours, when all of a sudden ah gets a cramp in me leg. Up I jumped outa me seat an’ do yer know, rest of ’em all jumped up at the same time. They must all ’ave ’ad the cramp same as me. Then the choir shouted ‘Hallelujah, it’s going to rain for ever and ever.’ Well, ah’d never thowt to bring me brolly, so ah thowt ah’d better get off home afore it started to rain. So seein’ as ah were already on me feet, ah reckoned ah’d slip out quick in case there were a rush fer the door.”